No science this week, because as we all know, the Bible is the Word and the Word says science is for suckers.

Back when I was a youngster, toothpastes weren’t really all that spectacular. You got your standard white and blue, then the weird pinkish color for sensitive teeth, and the awesome multicolor AquaFresh stripes. Home dental care has come a long way since then. Ever notice how many toothpastes there are now? They take up like a whole section at the grocery store! Stain removing, tartar fighting, extra whitening, mouth freshening, baking soda, gels, liquid gels, cavity protection… And the flavors!

No longer are we limited to mint, slightly different mint, cinnamon, and “other strange fresh-esque flavor.” And bubble gum, which is about as counter-intuitive as one can get when it comes to toothpastes. Recently, I’ve had the opportunity to try out six flavors of Crest’s Whitening Expressions, and I will review them for you here.

Fresh Citrus Breeze
Oh hey! An orangey flavored toothpaste! We thought this showed promise, so we bought a tube a few months back. The flavor was actually quite pleasant, but it didn’t leave my mouth with that “cool, clean” feeling that I expect from a toothpaste. It wasn’t bad, but it was definitely a far departure from the usual minty toothpaste. On a scale of 5, I give Fresh Citrus Breeze a solid 3.

Cinnamon Rush
Joy bought this one. I normally don’t like cinnamon-flavored toothpastes, or even candy. They always seem too “hot” for my tastes. But this! This was a delightful experience. The cinnamon flavor was not so strong that it bothered me and it totally left my mouth feeling fresh and clean. Whereas we ditched the Citrus once it got to be an effort to squeeze more out, we were trying to jam our toothbrushes into the Cinnamon to crape the last bits out. Cinnamon Rush gets an outstanding 5.

Refreshing Vanilla Mint
My dad had this one. When I was visiting recently, I tried it out. I can’t really transcribe my reaction, but it was something like “eagghh.” I’m not a huge fan of vanilla [aside from vanilla ice cream], so we were off to a rocky start. The vanilla and mint just did not mesh well together for a flavor experience. And despite the presence of mint, my mouth only felt mildly refreshed. Refreshing Vanilla Mint, you score a 2.

Lemon Ice
Lemon? Now that’s a strange flavor for a toothpaste! I was hesitant, but I tried it anyway. Surprisingly, it wasn’t bad. The lemon was definitely a strange taste for a toothpaste, but not all the bad. There was an aftertaste of Lemon Pledge, however. I guess that’s to let you know that in addition to fighting tartar and cavities, Lemon Ice also prevents dust build-up on your teeth. Lemon Ice gets a 4 from the judges.

Sweetberry Punch
I’m not sure exactly what a “Sweetberry” is. From the packaging, it looks like an exploding chimera of raspberries of various blues and reds, and possibly a strawberry. At first taste, I thought, “hmm, this is an enjoyable new experience.” Only a few seconds later, my thoughts were more along the line of “wow this really sucks I cannot wait until I am done.” This flavor was like brushing my teeth with Jello - right after I had brushed my teeth. I did not like it, sir, no I did not. Sweetberry Punch? More like Sweetberry Punched Me In The Face and Threw Up In My Mouth. Voted 1 and moved on.

Tropica Exotica
The art for Tropica Exotica lured me in with its promises of palm trees and tropical fruit. Once I was on the pretty island, the friendly natives handed me a pineapple-flavored Dum Dum sucker. At first I savored the tasty island treat, but then I noticed something suspicious. The natives had all disappeared! They stole my boat! And that’s when it hit me. My precious pineapple Dum Dum was actually a moldy papaya. I spit out the offending maggot-swarming fruit and cursed Pele - not because she had anything to do with it, but because she is the only Pacific deity I can pronounce the name of. Tropica Exotica ruined my childhood and honeymoon in one swift move, so I vote it a 1.

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