There are a few numbers floating around in my head these days. Some are silly numbers, like the cost for a wood floor in my basement, or the price of furniture. These numbers generally have four digits and that’s somewhat disconcerting. But such is the price of equity and development. When I see some of the crappy houses in this neighborhood asking 30k more than we paid, it makes me feel warm and bubbly inside to know that I’ll get back my investment - not to mention enjoying the final product.

But really, this isn’t about those numbers. This is about two very specific numbers, or to be more specific, a date and a number. The date is October 1, 2006. A little less than a year from now. The number is 26.2.

Everyone has goals. And if you don’t have any goals, I really feel sorry for you because that’s pretty damn pathetic. Well, I’ve got a new goal. I’ve actually been working on it for about a month and a half.

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I consider myself a champion of evolution. Ever since I was a wee lad - which technically includes most of high school - I’ve been an avid learner of evolutionary theory. In college, I finally found my academic paradise in the geology department studying paleontology. How beautiful it is to look at a series of fossil bones and bone fragments covering hundreds of millions of years and seeing the changes over time.

Not too long ago I had a conversation with a family member. He related how he had seen a “world-renowned” scientist on TV, and he had said that there was absolutely no evidence for evolution. I was shocked. I knew the scientist he was referring to [though the name escapes me at the moment]. This “world-renowned” scientist who apparently has all the answers is a molecular biologist. Why is this relevant?

First off, how many people believe the Theory of Gravity? That’s right. It’s a THEORY that keeps you from rocketing off the planet. I would venture to guess that everyone who isn’t a Lawsonomist believes that gravity exists. Would you believe that there is almost no evidence for gravity? That’s right. We have no idea how gravity works. We don’t know why it works. But everyone accepts it as truth.

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We took Tes down to the Kenosha Sand Dunes because we had never been there and wanted to see if they were zombie-defensible [they’re not]. Up ahead of us is a couple with two dogs, a Samoyed and an Akita. We’re just strolling along, chillin. The other two dogs spot us and come running over - they weren’t on leashes. Still, no cause for worry. Tes gets all waggy-tail and “hello new friends!” Suddenly, the Akita snarls and pounces on her. For visualness, the Akita’s head is about level with my waist, and she probably weighed 60+ pounds. Tes is knee high and about 28 pounds soaking wet and carrying a Frisbee. The Akita was well over twice Teslin’s size in any dimension. Tes is trying to get behind me [still on the leash] and the Akita is trying to get to her. Joy is frozen and yelling “no!” at the other dogs while their owners seem to be lollygagging their stupid asses toward us.

My left hand is holding the leash handle, my right hand is fluttering around the snapping jaws of this goddamn Japanese pit fighter, and I’m trying to keep my right leg between Tes and the Samoyed. The Akita lunges forward right on top of Tes. More snarling and barking - and suddenly the leash goes limp. One thought runs through my mind.

“How much damage am I prepared to do to this dog?”

Luckily, Tes had managed to slip her collar and was trying to run away. The Akita jumps in front of me to give chase. At this point, Joy is still yelling and the owners are still ten feet away. I see what I have to do. I reach down and clamp on with a ninja death grip on either side of this dog’s neck and lift it straight up. Tes is hauling ass down the trail and the Samoyed is bounding along after. Joy takes off to catch one or both of them. Finally the owner guy gets to where I am and has the nerve to say “IT’S OKAY SHE’S USUALLY A NICE DOG.” I shove the Akita at him and tear off after the other two.

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No science this week, because as we all know, the Bible is the Word and the Word says science is for suckers.

Back when I was a youngster, toothpastes weren’t really all that spectacular. You got your standard white and blue, then the weird pinkish color for sensitive teeth, and the awesome multicolor AquaFresh stripes. Home dental care has come a long way since then. Ever notice how many toothpastes there are now? They take up like a whole section at the grocery store! Stain removing, tartar fighting, extra whitening, mouth freshening, baking soda, gels, liquid gels, cavity protection… And the flavors!

No longer are we limited to mint, slightly different mint, cinnamon, and “other strange fresh-esque flavor.” And bubble gum, which is about as counter-intuitive as one can get when it comes to toothpastes. Recently, I’ve had the opportunity to try out six flavors of Crest’s Whitening Expressions, and I will review them for you here.

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There are certain sensory cues that everyone encounters that instantly set off warning bells in the mind. Unexpected sounds - or the lack of expected sounds - are probably the easiest to think of. The ringing of a phone never sounds so urgent as it does in the middle of the night. The other senses have their places: reaching to touch a pet, only to find their side feels cool and stiff. The combination taste-smell of iron when blood has spilled. Visual cues, such as an arm or leg hanging at an odd angle.

Or reading the subject of email from your mom that simply states, “Grandpa Tom.” My eyes didn’t even need to read the Gmail preview of the body - I already knew what happened.

I read the email and sat back in my chair. “Huh. Wow.” I didn’t really have much of a reaction, though I was saddened to hear the news after not seeing my grandpa in probably ten years or more. Family dynamics aside [I don’t like Ardyce and she doesn’t like me, some other drama], I really liked Tom. The circumstances were just not conducive to a close relationship the for the last decade.

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I hate you, Jack Horner, because you are a shitty scientist.

PLEASE STOP.

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